xoxoxo

if you really knew me ...

2010-10-04T00:06:00.000-07:00

i've been watching that show on Mtv™ today and i gotta say is one of the most emotional shows i probably ever seen. the whole time i watched it i just couldn't stop crying. it made me think about how i felt, how i could relate, and how i would finish off the statement...

i think i'll do that my next post. it'll give me a chance to open up and talk about things i usually wouldn't, at least not specifically.

i have this song - a house is not a home by luther vandross - stuck in my head and i have no idea why i do and why it makes me cry. it's a very emotional song and i love the message it carries throughout the song. i think i just answered my own question ... lol

anyways, i have work & school so peace out.

it's getting late, you see ... we've been here before

2010-09-28T01:14:00.000-07:00

i'm back to where i use to be, feeling lonely again. i've never been this stressed and disconnected for this amount of time. i hate how i can't talk to you, or even anyone about what i keep bottled in. i hate how i regret telling you even a half of a half of what i'm going through. why can't i tell you (or anyone) anything? i hate how i don't want to get close to you, or anyone for that matter. i hate how i can't sleep at night anymore ...

but most importantly i hate feeling like i'm all alone.

i honestly feel like i have no one to talk to anymore. it's like everyone (okay, mostly everyone) has disappointed me one way or another and i'm just fucking fed up. i'm tired of having shitty nights in a row .. at some point i just want it to be over and done with. way too much has been going on these past couple of weeks ... shit .. these past couple of months. i don't know if it's the expectations i hold or whatever but somehow for some reason i'm just ... tired of this shit. and i'm just .. not .. happy. i'm not satisfied anymore. and .. deep down inside ... i don't want to realize that it's because of you.

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. i refuse to cry anymore tonight.

peace.

nice bowl of estresso

2010-09-18T02:10:00.001-07:00

at some point in time i just wear myself out. these past couple of nights within this week have taken everything out of me and this week just doesn't seem to be getting any better. every fucking night of every fucking day of this stupid fucking week have been shitty and i don't understand why my mood hasn't been changing.

my birthday was on the 6th, and i'm officially 19. the day went alright, exactly how i wanted it to go. but one person, who means a lot to me, didn't even remember that shit? but oh, when their birthday came around they had to be all on my ass cus i couldn't remember if it was 3 days BEFORE or AFTER my brother's birthday.

just thought i'd keep this updated.

downtown madness

2010-08-28T22:51:00.000-07:00

yesterday was my best friend's birthday. he's officially 20 now. me, him, and his little bro all went to go see takers. the day went pretty cool and i'm glad he had a nice time.

when the movie was all done and the mall was closed for the night ... tell me why this drunk guy walked over to us and began his rant on religion for about 30 mins? why is that always what drunk people talk about?

i don't think i'll ever understand. lol

anyways tho, i haven't had a good day like that in a while.

we'll see what happens.

peace.

your words hurt

2010-08-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

there's this strange feeling i have in my heart and i can't seem to get rid of it. i feel numb and i can't seem to get my emotions back to how they use to be. these past couple of days haven't been getting any better and my nights are still continuing to get worse. i haven't been this stressed in a while and for once i just want a break from my life for like two seconds. please.

i'm tired of pretending that everything is okay, and that i'm happy ... when i'm not.

things aren't okay, and i'm not happy.

there ... i said it.

another long night ...

2010-08-03T02:49:00.000-07:00

extremely upset. i have a big feeling this night isn't ending any time soon - i just know it. i've been feeling this emptiness .. that just seems to grow now ...

i really don't want my eyes to be red in the morning. :(

life in moderation

2010-07-31T03:40:00.000-07:00

still feeling the same ... my nights just seem to be getting worse now. =\ sighs.

"upset? irritated? annoyed?"

2010-07-29T03:32:00.001-07:00

man ... surprisingly back in a bad mood again, but it's cool. i'm feeling pretty exhausted more than anything. i didn't get that much sleep last night. i shouldn't be here right now tho, i need to go lay down. i need to focus on clearing my mind ... and this simply just isn't doing it for the moment.

-peace.

long time no post

2010-07-26T05:09:00.000-07:00

geeeeeeeeez. past couple nights been crazy. i'll explain later. tired.

peace.

blank

2010-06-20T03:44:00.000-07:00

today is just a continuation of yesterday. :(

everything comes to light

2010-06-19T04:05:00.000-07:00

it's one of those nights again. i been feeling like there's been something missing lately. i been in my head a lot these past few weeks ... which i guess has been keeping me up. i think i'm just tired ... tired of missing something. i don't feel how i use to anymore. i don't feel things are the same anymore. i'm in a lot of pain. and i can't seem to take my mind off of it. :(

maybe i deserve it ♪♫

2010-05-16T05:14:00.000-07:00

man, i haven't posted anything for a while now ... these past couple of weeks have been shitty and hectic all at the same time. just a lot going on, and very small downtime which definitely isn't a good combination. it's weird to feel so much all at once to where it makes you not feel hardly anything at all. i feel like i should gradually start to emotionally detach myself away from people. so far, in these few weeks i just keep getting disappointed in people ... it just never ends. the loneliness seems to never end either, but i'll save that for my next post probably.

hopefully i can get some sleep soon.

'night.

I wish I could tell you exactly how I feel;

2010-04-29T03:11:00.000-07:00

they say you are handed things in life for a purpose, does this justify the reasoning?

hi, i only exist when you need something

2010-04-27T03:12:00.001-07:00

i've come to the conclusion that there are certain people in my life that really don't belong there. these past couple of days have really been my judgement day. but the real question is whether or not i'm going to do something about it. i've been thinking way too into things lately and i haven't slept in 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 .. hours. my mind is shot right now. i just can't think about anything else. i don't want to be frustrated anymore. but really though, why is it that certain people will only talk to you when they need something from or out of you? what happened to the real, genuine, sincere people in the world? it makes me reconsider how many friends/people in my life who are actually there because they care enough to be. it's the actuality of the thought that really turns me off from people period. it's like having a teacher that's just in the profession for the money. so many people today rely on the WIFM (what's in it for me?) when that's not what it should be about. relationships/friendships/what have you in my personal opinion should be about giving and taking in equal amounts. instead of crawling into my life begging, pleading, asking for shit. how pathetic can you be, seriously. i'm just ... overwhelmed, honestly. i really need to sleep. but there's so much i can't get off my mind. there's just a couple of things on my plate that haven't been satisfying me lately and i don't know what i'm supposed to do with them right now. i'm just at a loss for words.

it's been a pretty upsetting couple of days.
*note: this post and last are not related.

night?

What's in it for you?

2010-04-11T04:29:00.001-07:00

it's like a scar that won't seem to heal. a thought that won't be forgotten. a secret revealed. a scandal exposed. it's a nightmare, a dream gone wrong. a thief. a mirage of what is to be but isn't. a fake. it's like a hug you never got, but needed. words unsaid. a sad song that knows exactly how you feel. a complicated situation. a fantasy. surreal emotions. it's waking up to nothing. a disappointment. a house without entrance. a lock with no key... a lie. that i refuse to let go.

this isn't how i thought the night would go.
i hope the rest of the day goes better than tonight/er.. my early morning did.
i don't really have anything else to say.

-night.

tonight's loveland

2010-04-02T06:06:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking a lot about my life & relationships/friendships. anyways, i think i might be sick ... but i think it could just be from stress? i know a lot has been on my mind lately but i don't think i would necessarily consider any of that stress? i don't know, my sister is telling me i should go to the doctor but i'm going to wait it out for a lil bit longer and see what happens.

i can't stand it when people call me with attitude. cus #1. they expect me to be cool with it. and #2. almost always end up taking whatever it is out on me. i mean seriously, if you're going through something i much rather have you talk to me about it than give me an hour full of bs. but if you're not going through anything then there's no excuse so KILL THE ATTITUDE. why try and bring my mood down all cus you feel like being an asshole?

i'll save the rest for later, peace.

update

2010-04-02T05:43:00.000-07:00

a lot has been going on these past couple of days. on march the 24th i had a job interview that i ended up not getting (which sucks!), then on the 27th i went to a comedy show and got to see the infamous Luenell (from Katt's pimp chronicles?) and Doug Williams ... i got pictures with both of them haah. that was a pretty cool night. i got a little dressed up so that definitely had my mood going (especially since comedy was involved). i had my last two driving lessons and a test scheduled now.

so now that i'm a bit updated ... on to my real post:

to be continued...

i don't know why you love me

2010-03-24T04:47:00.000-07:00

i can't help but think sometimes about whether or not i am or was right. i'm giving the benefit of the doubt but what if i had all the reason to doubt. what if every way i imagined, it were true. what if everything that was, wasn't. what if i'm losing myself. i mean, am i so wrong to wonder and think about these things? or am i thinking so much into something that isn't so complex? what if i'm jumping to conclusions, but then what if i'm not jumping at all but realizing the truth, the truth that i've been so naive to see? i don't know, and maybe i'll never know. but would i want to? is the question. to be or not to be. to know or not to know. is this why people don't want to predict their fate? is this why Ingrid Holtby said, “Ignorance is not bliss; ignorance is impotence; it is fear; it is cruelty; it is all the things that make for unhappiness.” it truly is all the things that make for unhappiness. if i had the power to make things the way i want them to be, i would want to know; this endless pondering isn't getting me anywhere but a shitty mood.

i'm afraid to sleep sometimes...
cus i know it finds me there ... to taunt me ... to make me feel lonely again.

♫ there will be no need for peace this time. just goodbyes & sweet lullabies.

happiness

2010-03-21T01:04:00.000-07:00

i think it's crazy how people make other people's lives better. it's like ... when you really think about it, happiness and all, people really make you happy. if it's not people then it's animals. materialistic items don't truly make a person happy. people do. especially the special ones. i'm listening to one of my favorite songs, raheem devaughn - mo' better (youtube). i think that's what got me to think about happiness and all of that stuff (it def highlights my point). i don't know, even though my post has a happy sound to it i don't really feel that way for some reason.

i was talking to my dad the other day about happiness, and he said that only you can make yourself happy, making other people happy is manipulation. it's unbelievable how selfish people can be. (not the reason for my mood)

anyways,

or a hug in general;

peace.

i'm hoping that this ain't too hard to believe

2010-03-19T04:42:00.000-07:00

this is actually my 100^th post. i think i'm going to do something different and be blunt as hell for this one. i don't really know what to feel right now. i still been kinda lonely lately :/, just a lot has been on my mind i guess. i'm listening to usher's song before i met you. this is my favorite part:

~~Girl~~ Boy if I died tonight before I wake
Know that you touched my life in oh so many ways
And should they end this song as all I had to give would you remember
Remember my heart, remember it was good, remember I tried as hard as I could
Remember that I gave till I had nothing else; remember my voice ♪♫

i think that's my favorite because it feels familiar to me. when you think about it a person can never really truly know how you feel or how hard you try. only you would know something like that. often times in relationships the effort of a person usually goes unnoticed. no one ever really knows how hard the other person is trying within the relationship. or what they're thinking ... or feeling ... or even how much they really need the other person ... or what that person means to them ... a lot of people just never realize that, especially those that need to.

yeah, that's more than i intended on getting out. so i'm going to call it a night .. or morning .. whatever.

peace.

draw a line & live above it

2010-03-13T06:39:00.000-08:00

i don't understand how people can make jokes about shit that ain't funny? especially if they should already know how you feel. anyways, i'm actually done being upset about that. i really don't want to talk about it anymore.

what i would like to point out is my best friend:

yeah, notice the time on that bitch. this is one person who has always been there in my life. and i love him for that.

have a great fucking day.

just grab your coat and meet me at the door

2010-03-12T22:06:00.000-08:00

I'm not feeling too hot right now ... kinda nauseous ... anyways ... it doesn't matter.

i'm listening to one of my favorite songs at this very moment. you make life so good by rahsaan patterson. this makes me think about one thing in particular ... and how i'm so happy i found it. i feel whole but still feel like something is missing. if i could make life exactly the way i wanted it, have everything go my way, i'd want the same exact thing..

♫ ...oooh thgin lla ouy tuoba gnikniht, kniht, kniht, kniht, neeb i dias

i'm going to find something constructive to do; might come back to this later.

peace. (for now)♥

aww

2010-03-10T06:58:00.000-08:00

Spongebob: What do you usually do when i'm gone?
Patrick: Wait for you to come back.

hah, that is all;

☺i'm off to take a nap,

peace.

survey for the night

2010-03-09T01:29:00.001-08:00

How are you feeling right now, & why?
i'm feeling pretty content. this week's been pretty iffy so i'm trying to keep things neutral.

Do you show your emotions or do you have a poker face?
both. i'm not completely "unemotional" or anything but i definitely have my moments.

Do you tend to have good dreams or nightmares?
i think it depends on what i was thinking about before i went to bed. my dreams have been pretty weird lately.

Do you learn from your mistakes or find yourself constantly repeating them?
i'm wise with my decisions. it takes me some time to jump into something so i'm definitely careful about making mistakes.
and if i find myself getting caught up or something ... i reflect on it for a bit.

Is your self esteem high or low?
hah. i'm crazy modest. but very confident at the same time. once again, i definitely have my moments.

Do you support war?
absolutely not. violence is not the answer. never have been, never will be.

Are you truly happy with your life?
everything happens for a reason, and if it doesn't kill you then it will only make you stronger. so, sure.

Have you ever met someone who just had you at hello?
oh yes.

Have you ever completely turned your back on someone?
no, not entirely. i believe in second chances.

Do you think life is easier when you're young or older?
both age groups can have their ups and downs. life wasn't meant to be easy.

When was the last time you just layed and looked at the stars?
mannn. it's been a whileeeee. probably last summer when i was at camp. so relaxing.

What won't you tolerate in a relationship?
cheating, lying, & verbal/emotional/physical abuse.

If given the chance to do anything, what would it be?
hah ... go on a spontaneous adventure. :]

Write a random lyric:
you need a feauture daddy? give me my peter pan .. when i hit the club it'll be me and my conceited friend.
been signin' autographs since like a quarter past. i'm in the hallway, don't need no hall pass. if i eat it
then everybody gonna order thatt .. everything i do these bitches wishin' they'da thought of thatt <3

Are you secretly fighting a battle with something/someone?
sorta kinda, kinda sorta lol.

Are you the type of person who always needs to be in a relationship?
definitely not.

Do you think you're a strong or weak person?
i believe i'm a strong person.

Do you think everyone is beautiful?
in their own ways, yes.

What is your opinion on the world?
y'know sometimes we um .. we don't recognize our dreams inside our reality and uh ..
other times we're not aware of exactly what's real y'know? we walk around day dreaming
but the sunshine, the sunshine always is ...

What do you hate more than anything right now?
lying. non-dependable people in my life.

What is the worst day of the week for you?
sundays & mondays.

Do you have more male or female friends?
male

What is the best/worst compliment you've ever recieved?
best: i love when people tell me they feel comfortable with me.
i don't know .. i don't really have a "best" one. they all mean a lot to me.
worst: "you have a nice bone structure". i mean, thanks .. but it was just kinda weird to hear that lol.

What are your thoughts on 2012?
the movie? or the "theory" ? well, i haven't seen the movie ... but the theory. well, i don't really think
anything's going to happen in 2012. there's a chance especially considering the state of the economy
(including the weather, not just financially). so who knows.

pass me over

2010-02-21T13:28:00.000-08:00

another day; chance to make another chance. a fragile place; running on empty. a smile so faint; barely even breaks the space.

at wits end

2010-02-19T03:10:00.000-08:00

i been feeling pretty lonely lately ... like there's a space i can't seem to fill anymore. i don't really feel satisfied nor happy about this situation. but i've been trying to be content. i'm well aware the source of my problem. i just don't really know if i'm trying to deal with it just for the hell of it? not so much for me or what i want. on top of feeling lonely, i've been feeling shitty too. go figure, right? and of course like a lot of other things ... i feel like i can't talk to anybody about either of this. i feel like i'm backed up against the wall.

when i think about it, it makes me mad. why can't i speak on behalf of my emotions? why am i confined by silence? i get this sudden urge .. my inner me suddenly wants to get the best of me ..

"SAY IT!" ,
"SPEAK." ,
"TELL THEM WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND." ,
"GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST."

but i always end up ignoring those requests that i know will relieve me of what i feel is holding me back. what is disabling me to fill that emptiness. that familiar lack of being. not with me, but of it. i know i'm not making much sense now ... but i know ... i know. but i'm going to try and get some sleep.

soldier of love

2010-02-13T07:16:00.000-08:00

had a lot on my mind ... so i couldn't go back to sleep and my back is starting to hurt on top of that. it's nice that monday is a holiday, so i don't have to worry about much until wednesday. maybe i can find something constructive to do. i'm kinda worried about today tho .. i don't know what to expect. at least i have plans tho. there's always a bright side to everything.

speaking of bright sides, i'm listening to collide by howie day and it reminds me of ... last saturday when i was with my two sisters downtown in old sac and we were in joe's crab shack and this song started playing and me and my little sister both know the words so we started singing it while standing (we were about to leave) and all three of us were playing air instruments .. ahaha, n people started laughing ... it was pretty funny. that place was maddd crowded that day.

what a dream, what a dream

2010-02-12T12:31:00.001-08:00

another nightmare ...
how is it that something so vivid can seem so realistic yet not be? my best friend told me that i have a strong spirit because i can dream about certain things that (i feel) are relevant to my life. i just believe that there's always meaning behind everything, you know? but then again with dreams it's kind of a different story. you can be in control and steer dreams into certain direction or even plot out what's going to happen. but what's driving the dreams you don't control?

i'm scared. to be honest; i'm petrified.

2010-02-10T08:15:00.000-08:00

i don't know if i'll ever be able to say what's on my mind. i keep thinking it but it still won't come out. i was determined yesterday that by the other night i would get everything figured out ... but i failed to do that. it's weird, how when i'm not in the moment i feel everything i want to express ... but when i'm in the situation i don't feel the same way. it's like everything vanishes, temporarily. then when i'm out of it it tends to always come back again. it's like having an appetite that never seems to get satisfied, like a mosquito bite, like a reoccurring dream, like a nagging toothache, a burden.

i'm still confused about everything that's going on in my mind right now. i guess you can say i'm still in denial right now. i'm so hesitant because i don't know what will come out of it or if i'll lose someone in the mixxup. "/

yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery

2010-02-09T04:34:00.000-08:00

i honestly just don't know what to think right now ... i just feel like i'm so confused. things just ~~aren't~~ weren't adding up and i knew it from the fucking beginning. things like this just really piss me off cus you just try .. ughhh i'm so pissed. this is getting mad tiring. i don't know, i kinda don't want to type anymore cus i know i'll get real obvious or specific. i just honestly feel sick to my stomach right now. it's just so hard to trust people these days cus so many are so quick to play with your fucking emotions like they don't matter or something. that's what really turns me off from people in general. they're so quick to care about themselves but take advantage of something they want or something right in front of them. i believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt ... but right now i don't know if it matters anymore. i just can't believe this. i need to get this figured out tomorrow, seriously. i can't keep putting it off.

i'm glad i talked to my best friend before deciding on what i'm going to do ... i think i have a pretty solid plan ... i don't have anything else to say ....

man

2010-02-07T08:01:00.001-08:00

my sleeping habits are off the wall.
it's been a while since i slept ..

ugh.

blog under construction

2010-02-02T06:08:00.000-08:00

hm. felt like doing something new ...

i need sleep,

peace.

swallow my words, taste my thoughts

2010-01-31T04:45:00.000-08:00

i'm getting fed up with this bs. i don't feel like i should have to deal with this nor do i feel like i deserve any of this at all. i can't help but bring myself to think that this is just all a game and that i'm just on the outside of everything. i feel like maybe i'm not being taken seriously anymore. i'm just so irritated right now .. y'know. this week has seriously been some sort of constant cycle of disappointments. and i'm sick of it. fuck trying to be optimistic. in favor of optimism i should probably get rid of what i feel is ... making me feel this way in the first place. i know for a fact if i keep going i'm going to end up making it obvious as to what i'm talking about ... so i'm going to call it a night ... err .. morning .. whatever.

?uestrelianceinsight&determination.

farewell, so long, goodbye, dueces, kick rocks, PEACE OUT!

2010-01-29T06:27:00.000-08:00

you know .. when you think about it we're all looking for the same thing. be it love or affection ... or just companionship altogether ... we're all on the lookout. as humans we need this type of stuff. without it we feel inadequate like we're missing something. yet we always try and find replacements to fill the void that we're missing. in other cases a lot of people don't even know if they have it, are afraid to ask for it, or either spend their lives waiting for it. which all in itself is just a sad situation all together. why should love, affection, and companionship be something so hard to look for or something so hard to ask for? i honestly wish i knew ... i didn't bring this up cus i'm in this situation or anything ... but i'm just thinking i guess.

on a separate note, i'm hella pissed right now man. i just got into another argument ... like a while ago n left me with a headache that i'm trying to get rid of now. i'm still trippin over the fact that i was disrespected and insulted all at the same time for no reason whatsoever? i'm not going to say anything bad about you cus i already know karma's gonna come back and bite you in the fucking ass. :) there's no need to wish you anything in life because hah ...
i don't owe you shit, never have and never will. sayonara.

i just want it to be ...

2010-01-27T03:27:00.000-08:00

i hate nights like these sometimes, where i'm just in deep thought ... i just got done taking a bath a little while ago. i just wish i could sleep right now. hm .. i felt the big need to write but now i don't really care anymore. i need to work on being more optimistic. i've been so disappointed/negative lately ... and that's not like me. i need to stop putting so much thought into everything because i don't know the ins and outs to anything. even if it does happen, i shouldn't always expect the worst out of everything because eventually that's all i'll get. you know, so fucking what ... seriously. life was meant to be hard for a reason, right? if everything didn't happen for a reason then it wouldn't happen in the first place.

well anyways, there's a book i should be getting into to get my mind off shit ...

last thought before i leave:
“Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act as you have always acted. If you continue to act as you have always acted, you will continue to get what you have always gotten. If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind.”

peace. (& optimism)

pardon me

2010-01-25T18:06:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have problems I can't talk to anybody about. Like I know I can ... but it's like I have this wave of fear come over me and I don't know where it comes from. Desperately I seek to get the courage to speak what's on my mind ... but the mere thought I shy away from. It's a continuous back and forth routine that I've been enduring lately. But when it comes to matters of actually acting on it ... it just doesn't come true. It just doesn't happen. Thinking on it, it's not like I really have anything to be worried about. It's easy for me to write it out on paper ... but that's the only way I have accomplished communicating my problems ... and truthfully that's just not good enough. Obviously ... yeah ... hm. I feel like I should add a lot more ... but I don't want to start getting specific or anything.

anyways,
peace.

keepin it cool like the koolaid man (lol?)

2010-01-10T02:52:00.000-08:00

i'm feeling pretty content ... like i have a new state of mind or
something like that ...
it's weird, i feel like i just made or just finished creating the
master plan in my life right now.
maybe i feel like this because i think i finally
got all my pieces in play
and just gotta get em in order.

who knows.
but until then ...

it's been a nice day, i'm tired
peace

Happy New Years

2010-01-01T00:45:00.000-08:00

Crazy how time flies by ... I remember last new years.
I been through a lot in '09. I got through high school, lost people/gained people, discovered new things, evolved, etc.

I don't really think I believe in resolutions but some goals I know for a fact I'm looking forward to accomplishing this year are:

1. Getting a car.
2. Getting more classes at school.
3. Continuing to weave through who my real friends are & aren't.
4. Continuing to stay true to myself.

Goin' in to a new year listening to One Love by Trey Songz
& Drop the World by Lil Wayne ft. Eminem

well i guess this concludes the big day ..

peace. (love & happiness)

ahhh, it's christmas

2009-12-25T04:56:00.000-08:00

haha. christmas this time around is soooo peaceful it's amazing.
i don't know what's up with me lately tho. i'm extremeeely sore and sooo tired for some reason.
i feel like a big slug. i slept for a while today .. err .. yesterday tho. but then again i had a pretty
bad dream.

well anyways. i wanted to do something with my sister. i'll hit this up later.

11:11

2009-12-10T22:45:00.000-08:00

mannn, so much has been going on this week. i already know it's too much to talk about so i'm not even going to go there. i just don't really even care anymore to be honest. just fuck it. as funny as it seems i don't really know what to say. this shit is just totally catching me off guard. i don't even know how to act. like, how the fuck should i be feeling right now? i can't even answer that.
some things just can't be fixed i guess. ugh my body hurts.

well, that's enough for one night ..
peace.

anguish

2009-10-28T00:48:00.000-07:00

i don't want to grow hate in my heart. period.

brain

2009-10-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

it's weird .. i have so much to write about but nothing's coming out. i don't know if i wrote about this already but i think it's crazy how a year can change a person. lol, in 12 months you can go through so much. i was reading through my older entries haha, and it's like a roller coaster almost. i have my spurts of confidence, my heart's happiness, my heart's sadness, my down-ward spiral, my plan of reform, etc. and i know there's a lot of other stuff that i haven't even wrote about that could fit inside of those categories n then some.

blah, i mentioned that cus i might be going through a situation that i've already been in before lol. yeah, surprise much? anyways. i think i need to stop all the thinking my heart's been doing and focus on the most important part of me ... ahaaaa .. my brain. i'm just gettin caught up, i know it.
and there's nothing kanney hates more than to get caught up in some dumb shit. third person? lol. i feel like backspacing this whole paragraph right now ... too much of my mind. but idk i read a quote somewhere that said that silence hurts the most. so i guess this is a good thing?

last thought: my advisor was the highlight of my day today, she told me that i'm an admirable soul; i'm way beyond my time; i have a lot of wisdom. :) it's ppl like her that make me grateful for being me. well .. this is where i stop.

peace.

new beginnings

2009-09-28T22:58:00.000-07:00

i just wanted to record this in history ... lol .. but i feel reeaaaaally good right now. :] just in an all encompassed positive aura so to speak. i looked up some things, and found out some things today. shit that woulda probably upsetted (is that a word?) most merely grazed, fazed, dazed me. haha. that sounded kinda cool. but anyways, like. i don't c a r e anymore. i'm done with that petty bullshit. i'm done with waiting for shit to come around. i'm done with making a POINTLESS effort toward something that's not going to happen. i'm done with putting my faith into something that didn't deserve it in the first place. i'm done with wasting my time, basically.

so i'm going to make this my personal effort to:
take this declaration and use it to my advantage for empowering,
& building myself back up again.
i'm better than this.

oh, and i also think i helped legalize maryj today? -_-

haha, peace.

honesty;; honest tea

2009-09-26T23:12:00.000-07:00

i think it's weird how like. the past kind of recreates itself right in front of you. it feels like deja vu. like i've been in this moment before. it's not terrifying or anything. but i don't know. i just feel like i should know what to do in such a familiar situation. i probably do it's just not coming to mind right now. haha, i just dislike being stuck in the same footsteps, you know what i'm saying? it's kinda weird how you can feel so much all at once to the extent to where you don't feel anything at all. i don't know in my state of mind i just see a lot of things happening. but i just feel that i'm so focused on what choices i make where it all just seems oblivious to me. haha my advisor said i'ma 55 year old in an 18 year old body cus i just seem like suchhhh an adult. i keep going back n forth in my head. it's insane. ah, sometimes i just can't find the words. i'm not going to go into depth about much else tonight.

you're killn me, you're filln me with sorrow, sunrise,
goodbyes, & missn you tomorrow's.

peace.

covered in rain

2009-09-14T01:43:00.000-07:00

i feel kinda impassive today.
just one of those days i guess.
maybe i should be doing more right now or something.
i don't know what it is.

well the past couple of hours i've been thinking about life.
haha, i know i know.
that's nothing new to me ... but i don't know.
for some reason i feel like i have
this big insight, or new light.
i use to feel really guilty about things i've lost
in my life. but when i think about it at this
current moment ... i don't feel
the guilt anymore - especially because i know that good things go, so
greater things can come. i guess sometimes you just have to let go in
order to let in. some can say it's a hard concept to get use to .. cus it
is. there's no lying in that. so there's no sense in sugar coating anything.
i'm watching why did i get married for probably the millionth time.
i'd have to say that's definitely one of my most favorite movies.
it teaches you a lot about love, & relationships. it's funny how being
that we're all different, we're all kinda working toward finding the
same thing. we all change. of course through different circumstances,
but we do. we're all learning together. and healing. and moving on.
ahh, i don't know. lol. i'm kinda just rambling on now ..
i feel very philosophical hahaha.
but i'm going to call it a night.

peace.

last thought for the night

2009-09-07T02:43:00.000-07:00

i gave you my word .. and this is how you fucking repay me?
i sacrifice and what do i get in return?

:\ nothing.
i feel like i'm always back at square one again.

happy 18th

2009-09-07T00:29:00.000-07:00

my day was pretty nice considering i didn't go anywhere.
but my night was .. just. awful.
sighs.

i'm growing to hate you.

I've come to realize that I need;
to stop getting stuck behind obstacles.

I've come to realize that I deserve;
better.

I've come to realize that I have lost;
my sense of nirvana.

I've come to realize that I hate it when;
people let me down or take advantage of me.

I've come to realize that money;
can't buy me happiness.

I've come to realize that I'll always have;
the ability to be strong in weak situations.

I've come to realize that my sibling(s);
are what families are made of.

I've come to realize that my mom;
makes rocks into diamonds.

I've come to realize that my dad;
can't be fixed.

I've come to realize that my cell phone;
keeps me close to the world.

I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning;
i thought today should be a good day.

I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep;
i still couldn't clear my mind.

I've come to realize that I am;
trying not to let things hold me down.

I've come to realize that today;
there are no expectations.

I've come to realize that tomorrow;
will be a new day.

I've come to realize that I really want to;
get away.

I've come to realize that this upcoming weekend;
i have no plans.

I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset is;
floetry, musiqsoulchild, the frey, & linkin park.

I've come to realize that some of my friends;
don't belong in my life.

I've come to realize that this year;
has had it's ups and downs. but through all the negative parts
of this year, i've grown and learned from them.

I've come to realize that maybe I should;
stay focused on my goals.

I've come to realize that I love;
... idk anymore. you see, because. when you love something
sometimes it goes wrong, doesn't happen the way you want it,
disappears/goes missing, evolves into something you don't want.
something you don't need. something you can live with or without.

I've come to realize that certain people;
will never change & won't grow up.

I've come to realize that I don't understand;
the circumstances of my life.

I've come to realize my past;
will always be a part of me, no matter what.
and through everything .. i would never want
to change it.

I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified;
that as i get older i'll grow with resentment.

I've come to realize that my life;
will get better.

i see your face almost every day,
but now, i'm starting to realize that
i'm no longer able to put a name to it.

ending note

2009-09-03T01:08:00.000-07:00

...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things i can;
& wisdom to know the difference.

peace.

deteriorating

2009-09-03T00:38:00.000-07:00

ah, man. i just spent the past 10 minutes deleting memories. god .. i didn't think it'd be this hard. haha. i feel like a loser. haha mainly because i feel shitty about it i guess. MAN it was soo hard. you just have no idea. i've held on to it for about three months-ish? and came to decide that it's time to get rid of it. it's like i'm holding on to something that's just not going to happen anymore. and i'm big enough to come to that milestone in my life to learn to let things go. i just didn't see it going anywhere anymore and i'm tired of waiting for things to come around. because they just aren't. no matter how much time you put into it. or how many promises you make. it's just not going to happen. and i'm okay with that. it wasn't something that happened because of me either. lol and i know that because i use to blame myself for it. sometimes i hate that about myself, when something goes wrong i blame my incompetence. but it's hardly ever my fault. sometimes i just think it's how i choose to dwell on things. everything happened the way it did. not because i made it happen. things just do that. and it's normal. it's entirely normal. and now is my turn to let it go. otherwise things just won't be the same anymore. so i'm doing this for me, and i'm doing this for what was. i refuse to hold on to anymore of those suppressed memories.

time will bring the real end of our trial, one day they'll be no remnants .. no trace, no residual feelings within ya; one day you won't remember

continuation - space that won't fill

2009-08-27T04:23:00.000-07:00

actually. idk. what i wasn't going to write about in the last post that i wrote. i should probably get it off of my chest. it's been marinating long enough. i just read my horoscope off my phone (lol) and it's expressing the same things i'm feeling. like the exact things. "... so it's no wonder that you'll surprise yourself -- and quite a few other people -- when you confront someone you don't know well. Don't worry -- this has been a long time coming." YO I think that's telling me to confess what i'm so frustrated about! but i seriously think i might just be out of pocket cus i don't want to confront that person if it's all about nothing and i'm just getting ahead of myself. i don't know what the right thing to do is. i think i know why i've been thinking so negative about that particular subject .. i think it's cus i'm just preparing myself for the worst. which is why it's in my dreams .. in my thoughts .. in the back of my mind. it's a shame when i have to prepare myself for something to fall apart right in front of me. but i wonder if it's ever the right thing to do to confront + assess the situation? i hate the feeling of not having someone to talk to.

going to bed for real this time.

inside my head

2009-08-27T03:15:00.000-07:00

i was gonna talk about something else .. but ..i feel somewhat content and frustrated all at the same time. it's pretty hot in my room right now ... that's probably why i'm feeling so frustrated but i'll open the window when i go lay down. oh, something just happened. haha one of my good friends who i haven't talked to in a longgg ass while just emailed me. :) see, that's something i truly respect in people. like regardless of whatever's going on in their life they'll still take the time out and hit a person up. that was really nice of them to do that .. even tho they didn't have to. but i'm glad they did. so i just wanted to put that out there because it lightened up my mood not that i was in a bad mood or anything. i should be sleeping right now ... i will when i'm done eating. i know this is probably gonna sound really depressing but i can't really imagine life without my parents. i hope you know what i'm getting at .. cus it's kinda obvious. but idk. i know it's gonna be a hard thing for me to get over. regardless which parent it is. i know it's something that's bound to happen to everybody. but i'm not sure if i'm ready for them. the concept of this world sucks sometimes lol. you live and then you die. and there's nothing you can do about it. well .. scientists are coming up with ways for elongating life. they came up with experiments and shit such as the body freezing, making artificial body parts, and there was another one ... well they came up with a proven theory that blood from babies transferred into an older person's bloodstream contains these types of cells that make your heart and etc. "younger/healthier". i don't know .. i'm sure that when i die i wanna donate my organs tho. that's something i do know. it's sad that people die waiting for their new organs.

i need to work on losing some weight. :|

peace (for now)

didn't feel like writing

2009-08-26T03:00:00.000-07:00

Lyrics from the song you're listening to:
"love is kind when the world is cold, love stays strong when the fight gets old, love is a shoulder to lean on .. love is you. love is like the water when the well runs dry quench my thirst keep me alive .."

Don't tell me lies, so is the last person you texted attractive?
maybe to someone else. :/ sorry.

You kissed someone last night, didn't you?
wrong.

What is your age?
7teen.

Do you have a dog?
yess. :] koffeecup.

Do you find smoking unattractive?
very.

Is there anything your last ex said that you still constantly think of? What is it?
nothing worth remembering.

Will you be in a relationship in two months?
i doubt it.

Where would you go on a road trip with your best friend?
idddk.

What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don't wear bras in public?
lol. um. slightly inappropriate.

Do you think that Bush was a horrible president?
absolutely. now obama gotta clean up his fucking mess. unfortunate enough bush let a lot of people get away with shit. lol let me stop.

What classes are you taking next school year?
a lot more i'm hoping. i'm trynna get this shit moving. but to answer the question i'm not sure yet but i'm working on it.

So, who do you think is the sexiest man/woman alive?
hahaha. :D look in the mirror?

What college do you want to go to/do you go to?
scc then transfer not sure where yet. i'm working on it tho! i want a new experience ... i'm not sure if it'll be in sac.

Did Danity Kane's breakup affect you?
nope.

Your last received call, would you kiss them?
lol. what's with these questions man!

You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed, problems?
:l i haven't kissed anybody tho.

Where is the person you last kissed at this moment?
^^

What's so special about what you're wearing?
it's comfortable. my pants have elmo on them, yes?

Have you ever thought about getting your tongue pierced?
nope.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
um if i ever was to get a tattoo then it'd be a butterfly on my hip err .. waist.

Have you smoked a cigarette today?
never do and never will.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
i doubt it?

How many people do you trust fully?
myself pretty much. and possibly one other person.

When you're bored in class, what do you usually do?
daydream. unless i have my zune on me. if not then i doodle. or make up poems.

How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?
i don't think they'd care too much. my older sis has a lot of tattoos.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
what was i doing ... i might've been on the phone. i was playing that game.

Do you think you'll have the same boyfriend/girlfriend a year from now?
i don't have one. :l

Who are you more like, your mom or your dad?
well me and my dad are both virgos so we have similiar characteristics but i'm strong like my mom.

Is it okay to like someone else when you have a boyfriend?/girlfriend?
i wouldn't say so, no. but unfortunately shit happens. i just don't see why people can't be happy with what they have right in front of them.

What’s your favorite color out of these five? Green, Yellow, Blue, Pink, Or purple?
blue.

Will you regret your next kiss?
how am i supposed to know?

What are you planning on doing after this?
sleep.

Who is the smartest person you know?
mm. everyone has different skills and expertise on particular levels.

Have your bestfriend ever stabbed you in the back?
exbestfriend, yes.

What are you listening to?
lyfe jennings - never never land

How do you ease anxiety?
anxiety? try and clear my mind. listen to music. laugh. imagining myself succeeding.

Any history with eating disorders (or tendencies)?
tendencies, possibly.

Do you avoid physically unattractive people, even before knowing them?
c'monnn what kinda question is this lol. i don't judge any book by it's cover. it's not all about appearance with me.

Would you 'get with' a teacher to pass a class you were failing?
wtf. i have self-respect thank you very much.

Choose one living person you'd like to meet.
:]

Are you happier single or in a relationship?
well, i like feeling cared for and loved. and i think that a relationship with another person provides me those feelings. when i'm single .. i dunno. it just feels different. not that i mind it tho, since i have less things to worry about.

Are you missing anyone?
mmhmm.

Do you think you can love someone without trusting them?
nope.

Would you choose happiness or trust?
happiness comes with trust.

What book are you reading at the time?
urban gothic.

Would you rather have roommates or live alone?
i'm leaning towards living alone .. but roommates would be nice.
as long as they're not nasty & filthy.

Do you think you've changed this past year?
nah, i just stopped caring as much. i'm more of a deeper person now.
i've learned from my past mistakes.

Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't?
moreso lost touch. but i'm assuming that's how things are supposed to be.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
idk anymore.

Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life?
you know what .. i can't complain. :] everything happens for a reason.

Who was the last person you had a conversation with on the phone?
van.

Your enemy is at your doorstep begging for forgiveness, what would you do?
ask them how they knew where they fuck i lived. i'm easy with forgiveness. but i don't forget.

peace.

internal conflicts

2009-08-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

what? why? i don't understand ... this is a joke right? no .. clearly this isn't. so you're telling me that .... oh. i see. so pretty much you're saying that i ... hahaha .. why am i laughing right now? no, stop. this isn't funny. stop laughing. STOP. DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT WAS SAID. they don't see you .. so basically they see you as ... yeah ... so then what am i doi .. ? i don't know. where does this leave me? feeling stupid. yeah, i'm stupid. i should've known better, right? yeah .. why didn't i? .. yeah .. i wasn't thinking. you sound like you seen this coming? what, you did? why didn't you stop me? you chose the risk. i was taking a risk? what .. clearly i .. oh. :( just be careful with your decisions. i was trying to be ... i was so determined this time. maybe this just isn't something you should be doing. maybe this whole ... illusion of exaggerated principles that clearly just ... doesn't do any good for anybody because in the end we all just ... no don't say it, i know where you're going with this and i don't want to hear it. all things can't end that way, okay. i have to have faith. i'm letting you get in the way of things. don't say that. without me you'd be living on sleeves.

hm. that's how i imagine my heart & mind' would communicate. overall i believe my mind's my strongest asset .. but my heart definitely plays a part in the decisions i make. as a symbolic reference i made the speech of my mind bold. because i believe i have a bold mind. and my heart's speech i left normal. because it's slightly inferior to the power of my mind. (hah this would be a cool animation or play or something ... ) idk. i was having an alright day up until about two hours ago ... so maybe that's what was going on inside. i'm going to lay down.
peace.

surge

2009-08-19T15:12:00.000-07:00

i have this swooooosh of confidence today. i don't quite know what it is, or where it came from. but i'm happy it's here. i feel really good right now. not in the "man, i'm in a great mood!" sense but more in the "i'm content ... i'm at peace" i felt that way while i was taking my shower earlier. i just felt like nothing could possibly kill my mood. and so far, nothing has. (okay, i won't jinx myself .. at this given moment nothing is.) i feel like a phase of strength is to stop caring what others think. i use to be SO self-conscious about my body/body image to where it'd bother me. to where i'd ... just ... be hard on my self, ya know. BUT I AM THE WAY I AM BECAUSE THIS IS HOW I WAS MEANT TO BE. :) this is how i was meant to be.

pondering

2009-08-14T01:21:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder what the purpose of dreams are. like why do we have to see things while we sleep ... or slip into the unconscious part of our brain when it's time for us to unwind. and what is it exactly that they're trying to show us ... are they thoughts and images created by US? or are they there from something ... and are our minds projecting them in our brains for us to see .. to try and tell us things. i've been having a reocurring event for a few of my dreams recently. and i don't like it. but it keeps coming back. and i'm wondering if it's coming back because it's something i keep in the back of my mind while i'm conscious or because it's something i fear. i'm not sure. i'm getting paranoid sometimes. not to the point where it's bad ... but you know .. just a lil bit. more and more each day. since i've had dreams involving the very image i'm trying to block from my mind. it's not something i want to dream about so i don't know why it's there. i don't want it there. i'm afraid of the possibility of it being true. of it being a prediction of the exact reality i'm living in now. well i don't know if i can say prediction .. because that would have to be something toward the future i'm assuming. being that pre means before. hm

correct me if i'm wrong .. but one of the actions of the human body is to protect, yes? but if it can protect us and fix us up when we get hurt .. our immune system gets attacked, etc. ... why can't it heal the things that are broken. that are damaged. that have been destroyed. that have been demolished. that have been hurt. or. given the theory that everything happens for a reason. i can disect down my thoughts and ponders and base it on a conclusion that being that my unconscious mind is making me see things ... making that's forcing me to lose my fear of the possibilities ... which can enable me to grow, to evolve, to learn, ... to not be afraid.

well thirty minutes are more than passed ... i don't know what to think. have my unconscious beat me to the truth? i'm not sure.

opti/pessi/truth/reality

2009-08-14T00:19:00.000-07:00

thirty minutes ... thirty minutes is all i'm giving you to let me down. that's all it takes to let me down. let's hope my thoughts are deceiving me because it's this one image i can't erase from my mind. this one visual ... defect i can't shake. it's haunting me in my dreams. it won't leave. it's like it's trying to make me realize something. i don't want to realize that part of my unconscious that i try to block. i keep it away from me for a reason. and if these thirty minutes that i'm giving you ... to let me down ... will reveal the truth, the pure reality i make an effort to escape from then ... i'm ready for it ... so go ahead.

memories

2009-08-09T19:26:00.000-07:00

sigh.

one more thought

2009-08-05T06:10:00.000-07:00

i think i know how it feels now ... to feel scared. i'm not talking about the old-fashioned "oh, look there's a boogyman hiding in my closet!" type of scared. i'm talking about the type of scared, or the type of fear that can be life-changing. the kinda fear where you're not sure if you should take the risk. take the chance. take the hit. take the fall. sometimes i tend to let my mind make decisions for me, i think my mind is the most central thing about me sometimes. i try to decide using my mind as well as what i feel in my heart. but something tells me they're not communicating as well as they use to. and i have no idea what that means. i really didn't want to go and feel overwhelmed before i slept ... but my oh so grateful mind already beat me to it.

well, i think i'm going to let my mind retire for the night (err early morning).
peace.

thoughts

2009-08-05T05:52:00.000-07:00

it creeps up on you when you think you've gotten rid of it. and it kinda tears you apart. piece by piece. and not only does it tear you apart but it breaks you down and makes you different. it makes you become a stranger in your own skin. it makes you hurt others and it makes you scream. scream for attention. for madness. for sanity. whatever you have left. whatever you have left.

it becomes the air you breathe. the thing you can't shake. the nightmare that keeps you awake. the pain that never leaves. the pain that never stops. that uncontrollable thing.

i wonder what it's like ya know. i mean .. i been around it to kinda know everything i need to ... but what's it like to have it i wonder. what kinda thing could be possessed to make you that way. how could something be so damn powerful. so damn powerful ... to where it's you. it's entirely who you are. it's everything you're composed of. hiding in every crevice. every space. every crack. the thing that makes you attack.

story

2009-08-04T01:40:00.001-07:00

k so this was back at my first time at camp. and i always feel good about this memory. so it was probably my fourth night there and it was our "ropes course" day which basically meant that we were gonna do some crazy activities outside regarding climbing, teamwork, and strategy. that day was our day to climb the tower. which consists of like .. i'd say 20-50 ft of logs and other shit. n so there was this kid who ... actually. :( i feel like laying down right now. i just got done eating oatmeal. ugh. stupid itis is getting to me.

i'll finish later on today? :)

K BYEEEEEEEEEE.

fml

2009-08-02T01:51:00.000-07:00

gosh. i swear people are so lame. i hope they know that they officially lost me as a person. it's ridiculous how stupid i feel right now tho. i'm not even sure why i keep trying. it's almost as if everyone's (not literally everyone ... i'm just venting) letting me down in one way or another. so as of now, i quit. until someone can prove to me that they're honestly different ... if that wish can't be fufilled then from this point on i don't think i need any more people in my life. rawr. people can be such shitheads sometimes. and it's weird cus you never understand WHY this happens. but sometimes you KNOW it's happening. like wth. why am i so oblivious to reality. i know it's happening. but it's like some continuous ritual with me or something. i'm so naive. i still can't believe i was so stupid. it's like you can take so many steps towards something to have the very ground you're walking on be taken from beneath you. so it's basically like. you put so much work and effort toward something FOR NOTHING.
i can't wait 'till i'm past this obstacle ... well i feel better enough to sleep i guess. i'm supposed to be up n ready by 630am.

oo how I wish I can flip a switch to turn back the hands of time;;
peace.

untitled

2009-07-31T15:57:00.000-07:00

you remind me of everything i'm trying to get away from.

days like these

2009-07-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

suck balls. i don't know like .. with a combination of what happened last night and the situation today just blah. i don't know. like. my mind's kinda racing right now ... just a lot on my mind. i'm listening to eminem's song rock bottom. i hate how i keep stopping n starting this entry. it's like i have what i want to say then i lose it and come up with another thing on my mind. but i don't know ... i'm feeling kind of apathetic right now. one of my friends who's kind of abandoned our friendship wants to come back into my life after so long. i don't really know what to do? cus i'd never do that to a friend. and it's definitely not like we can go from where we once were. and we're never going to be the way we were. n then there's a whole buncha other shit ... idk .. i hate people sometimes. i hate my life sometimes ... i feel like a turtle who's just trynna retreat back into their shell. you know when a turtle keeps getting shit dumped on 'em and stuff and they just want to hide? but ah .. i'm not reclusive tho. i just feel kinda off my axis. this week's been something else ... and i'm really glad it's over. i'm going to try and stay positive. "when you feel like you've had it up to hear, cus you're mad enough to scream but you sad enough to tearrr .. that's rock bottom"

back again

2009-07-23T19:39:00.000-07:00

i remember a friend of a friend who's a monk once said that we're actually living in hell. i'm not too sure if i believe what he was saying tho. i do respect monks but those ideas are just way beyond us at this point obviously. i like to keep things realistic. anyways. don't feel like thinking that deep right now. haha, i remember when i was a kid and my first best friend ... olivia called me a backstabber. lol. our friendship escalated in a downward spiral at that point. we separated midyear of middle school. we were pretty close in elementary school. i remember she went to hj(high school) for like three years? or something. i don't know. i always think back .. not just with her. but generally. if i kept certain people in my life ... would my life have been any different than what it is now? the thought of that makes me think a lot. cus i mean. like many other people i knew who changed ... would i have been changing with them for the better? i don't know. i live by the church i went with her to. and i still remember her house number. lol. it's crazy how fast things can happen. within a year people can go through so much. life is so crazy sometimes. i remember each and every person in my life. and exactly whom of those people who left. i remember each and every memory. lol. from the point of being 5 and on of course. it's weird. my aussie friend told me i'm blessed with a good memory? but i don't know. i just figure it allows me to tell a lot of stories. i remember back whennnnn i was a kid. i was like 5. and i was soo hungry. and everyone at my house was sleeping. i ended up finding like two quarters on the ground of the living room floor back at my old house so i got my clothes on. and i don't know why .. but i couldn't find my shoes so i just left without any shoes on and walked up to jacks which was like ... 5 blocks? away straight ahead and directly on the right. i walked in there and bought some iced oatmeal cookies and walked back home. when i went inside everyone was still sleep. lol. it was like i never even left. i liked the little childhood i had then where i was sooo carefree. i think it'd be cool if animals had a voice. you know what i mean? like if my cat cheddar could tell me what's on his mind ... or what he wants. his meows sound like words sometimes. like he's actually trying to talk to me. :) animals have a way with communication. hahaha. i think that's why i like them so much. well yeah ... that's enough thinking for now.

until i come back to this.

peace.

self-reflection

2009-07-23T16:31:00.001-07:00

i feel pretty content with whatever's thrown my way right now. for reasons i can't even describe. which is a good thing. i don't feel like i need certain things anymore. or certain people anymore. a while ago i was thinking about my dream the other night. basically it starts out where me and this person (there was no face) were in bed, and these cop-like people walk in and the person beside me gets up and i get up and start running. i'm being chased for the majority of the dream. but it's weird cus the whole time i don't really even know what's going on. i'm just running. and i continue running. and right when i'm about to stop running that's when i wake up. it was the most craziest thing. and i have no idea what it meant and who was beside me. i remember my friend moni told me that there's a high possibility that when i dream about someone without a face but have like ... a "protective" role in my dreams then that's my guardian angel. he told me that the reason he doesn't have a face is because i haven't quite met him yet. therefore he yearns to protect me although at times in my dreams he can't as much as he wants to? i don't know. it was some deep stuff. on a different note, last night someone told me that i'm a little "advanced" for my age. haha. a lot of people tend to tell me that. i was just forced to grow up at a young age, that's all. now-a-days i'll look at movies and try and envision what my future's going to look like. it's weird how time passes quicker than you think. before you know it everything's going to be different. i'm not sure if i'm ready for that yet. i know for sure overtime i will be though. i read my horoscope about half an hour ago and it told me that i need to express my feelings sometime this month. so .. idk. i know that's not going to happen yet tho. uhm. oh. man. last night was probably one of the worst moods i've been in in a while? it was really strange cus it all kinda came so suddenly. and i kinda just felt like a hermit. mm .. i don't know. i don't feel like that now so it's okay. oh. last night while i was sleeping my ex called me. lol. the conversation we had definitely made me grateful for who i am now. i feel sorry for him.

k i'll come back to this another time. listening to india.arie right now. :)
Speak words of beauty and you will be there
No matter what anybody says
What matters most is what you think of yourself

spur of the moment

2009-07-10T22:16:00.000-07:00

i can't stand it when people say they aren't something when they simply are. it's like people put up these shields ... these disguises ... and go around flaunting off their costumes as if it were their true identity. it's ridiculous how unreal someone can seem or come off as. i don't understand it, and i'm pretty sure there's not enough time in the world for me to. if people were to go around and act as themselves i don't think the world would be the way it is now. if you don't quite know what i'm talking about ... i'll give you an example: it's like a monster holding up a sign that says "i'm human." obviously not a human, right? bingo. i use to think that maybe they act a certain way or pretend to be something else to protect themselves or wedge themselves into something. kinda like a pedophile does to lure in somebody. yeah, i know it's sick. but i'm just saying. why must one act like something else in order to get something? like a wolf in sheep's clothing. you don't have to be something else in order to get what you want. if you gotta act then that means you don't deserve it or need it. it's like saying "oh, i'm not like the rest." but you are. there's no need to pretend. or put on a costume. cus today or the next day, or the day after that ain't gonna be halloween.

epiphany

2009-06-24T19:29:00.000-07:00

You know, I think I realized what my purpose in life is. I always felt a passion towards other people, whether that's with or by supporting them, loving them, or whatever it is that I think I'm doing. I always felt that I was missing something. But maybe ... in the true essence of reality ... I'm not. I love watching people find: their "true beauty", their "right path", and their "true aspirations". Sometimes I often find myself holding on to things, or people. But I never know why. I know at some point this person or thing is going to be out of my life. Like a fallen leaf during autumn. And it's okay. At this point ... I'm content with that. I know that that is to be expected in my life - that gives me all the more reason to be who I am.

My true purpose, from my own personal understanding, is to help others strive. Nothing more and nothing less. I think my problem is that I tend to get attached to the people I'm helping. And then when they leave I feel lost again. Like that wasn't supposed to happen. But it is, cus everyone leaves at some point. And I'm okay with that. Today, I am okay with that. Everything makes sense now. I'm not meant to have anyone else. Just myself.

another night, another day

2009-06-08T03:16:00.000-07:00

my whole life i believed that good things come to those who wait. i've always wondered how long that wait is though. i mean, you can go your whole entire like being tricked into thinking you found that good thing just to come and find out that it was nothing but make believe. it's unfortunate how life will play games with you like that. this entire day has just set me off. i'm pushed off my axis. this whole day i've been pondering, searching, wondering, and asking myself why. i went through a lot today ... and that's okay. i still don't quite understand everything right now. but i'm going to stop trying. i think that's what i should have been doing from the start. this past month or so i've just gotten so lost. i wish things would go back to how they were. i don't really have school anymore. i graduate in a few days. but i should probably try getting some sleep. i thank moni for keeping me company today.

another thing i miss, or am going to miss is my BIT family.

The wind has taken my happiness

Blown it away so now emptiness

day n nite

2009-05-27T02:14:00.000-07:00

i should be sleeping right now ... but i can't. i just have a lot on my mind right now. it's so cold in my house. but i don't think that the fact that i'm eating ice is helping that matter. but i put a jacket on. i got school in a few hours and i'm really not going to be able to get up ... oh well. i don't really care. i had this weird dream the other night where umm ... well actually ... now that i think about it. i've been having dreams lately where i've been protecting my little sister from ppl. like fucking up people who's been mean to her. i know without a doubt that that means something. i'm tired of having to be so grown up sometimes. i just want to feel like a kid. just once. i don't remember when i felt like that. i'm tired of feeling like an adult for just right now. but i have to think realistically. i can't do that. not right now. i just have to be strong. and i can't give up. no matter how bad i want to. no matter how bad i need to. i won't. that's not my forte.

i think it's weird how when i get really upset .. my entire body hurts. like every inch of my body is just aching. and it's so damn sore. (this calls for a cuddle fest with mr. pillow willow)

i'm so fucking tired tho and i feel like i'm going to throw up. i didn't eat a lot today. i'm about to get up so i can watch tv. but ... i just needed to sit here so i could wind down. i'm not going to cry tonight either. you know, i actually feel better right now. not entirely. but you know .. just a lil. i didn't realize that i downloaded one of jaybear's songs on my zune ... the one where he's singing. it's funny cus although i didn't recognize it at first, it came to me in a matter of seconds. and i couldn't stop smiling&laughing. haha, man ... i'm lame. but yeah. i miss him. i'm glad that he's occupying himself tho. in case he reads my blog still for some crazy reason ... i just wanted to put it out there that i love him.

untitled poem?

2009-05-21T17:14:00.000-07:00

the last time i spoke to you
you didn't say much
from then
at that point --
i knew things were over
the we I thought we once were
became a single you and i
the moments we shared were mere memories
of a past that was started with two
but who's future must end in goodbye

distance

2009-05-10T22:04:00.000-07:00

i feel this space building up. and i'm making it worse for allowing it to be there. i know i have the power to shorten the gap. but i'm just not doing it. but, why? i don't even understand. i'm killing my mind thinking about it now because i just can't figure it out. i want to make things better. or different. it just doesn't feel the same right now. at least for this moment in time it doesn't.

moment ... in ... time. time.

maybe there's nothing i can do. maybe that's why i'm being all distant and reclusive. sighs. it just doesn't feel the same. this thinking and stuff's lately led me to believe something about myself. and whether it's true or not. i'm not going to mention it on here tho. i'm not being myself right now. ... i just know i'm not. this isn't me. and i know this because i feel alien about this entire situation. primarily because i'm not handling it the way kanney would.

where did i go? ... and when am i coming back?

note to self: i miss you terribly.

passing time with a survey.

2009-04-25T17:20:00.000-07:00

1. Do you own uggs?
nope.

2. How did you do on the last test you took?
lol 100%! yo soy muy inteligente en espanol!

3. Who was the last person of the opposite gender that you hugged?
angel.

4. What are you most looking forward to?
hopping in the shower and getting ready i guess?

5. Do you wear Hollister?
not that i know of.

6. What food makes you sick?
seafood. chicken liver. squeaky green beans.

7. Do you get shy around the guy/girl you like?
yeaaah, haha.

8. Do you remember what you were like a year ago?
mmhmm.

9. Who was your last text from?
jaybear.

10. When was the last time you saw this person?
ooohhh, i dunno.

11. When was the last time you got butterflies?
when jaybear texted me at 12.

12. Why is the first person the first person in your top?
because he's a really good friend of mine. he's been there for me since elementary school.

13. Who is the first guy on your top?
angel.

14. Do you have pictures of you with your friends?
mmhmm.

15. Where are you right now?
i'm in the shower. lmao i'm in my room. lol wth.

16. Last person you were in a car with?
my mom.

17. What's the weather like outside?
too hot for spring.

18. What are you listening to?
red - breathe into me

19. What is your favorite holiday?
halloween. free chocolate!

20. Where'd you get every thing that you're wearing?
idk. my mom bought them somewhere in sanfran.

21. Do you text with T9 or ABC?
abc please.

22. Have you memorized your social security number?
nah.

23. Have you ever had a dream about people you love dying?
ugh, yessss.

25. Do you like water?
eh, not really. but i try to.

26. Do you have a pet in the room with you?
if my sister's considered a pet ... kidding. =)

27. Who's the last person you told your feelings to?
ja-ja-ja-jaybear

28. If you died today, would there be anything you wish you could've said?
a really dope joke to make someone/anyone laugh.

29. Are you in a movie on YouTube?
LOL oh man kinda.

30. What was the last book you read?
still readingggg ... my friend leonard/ broken china.

31. Are your nails painted right now?
negative.

32. When is your birthday?
september6th.

33. Do you think your best friend(s) is/are the coolest person/people ever?
lol, yeah angel's (& my sister) pretty dope. =)

34. What was the last food you ate?
corn flakes!

35. What's the last food you ate that was salted?
uhm. fries?

36. What are you watching?
nothing.

37. Do you talk to people on the phone or IM more?
instant messenger.

39. What color are your eyes?
dk brown.

40. Do you have your ears pierced?
mhm.

41. Would you ever pierce your own belly button?
no thanks.

42. Do you want any more piercings?
eh, i'm good.

43. Have your friends seen you cry?
nope.

44. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
my mom?

46. Are you annoyed with anyone right now? Who?
eh, not really.

47. Have you ever had a panic attack?
mm yeah.

48. Name the last time you got really bored?
hmmm ._. i don't remember.

contemplations

2009-04-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

i don't know what's wrong with me. well wait, i do then again i don't. sighs. everything just seems to be spiraling down again. but i keep hearing "oh, everything's going to be alright."
but it's not. "/ at least not right now it is. everything just seems to be getting worse.
i know it's not like me to be negative tho. i just can't help it anymore. i don't know if i can
handle it. i feel like i'm going to pop. my horoscope said i should get whatever it is bothering
me out but this'll do for now. i don't really feel like talking. so idunno.
hopefully the next time i post something it'll be something nice.

until then who knows.

blah

2009-04-16T20:11:00.000-07:00

it seems like no matter where you stand in life you're always going to have obstacles.
inevitable .. intimidating .. horrendous obstacles.

i'm starting to get so tired of everything. (not entirely everything)
but it's just like ... when you vision certain things happening ... and then they just don't.
when you just thought of that vision for years. or you know always kept your
aspirations the same. and then just have the rug stolen from underneath your feet.

ugh. it feels like i'm losing the fight. and i just don't see the point in continuing it anymore.
cus it just seems like it's not going to happen.

i know i'm being extremely negative and that's just beyond me.
but i don't know. i don't know anymore. "/

life works in mysterious ways

2009-04-07T03:55:00.000-07:00

ugh, my tv blew out so i'm currently unable to watch tv.
i was trying to watch seven pounds online.
it's a good movie from what i've been watching so far.
but i really don't feel like sitting here any longer.

i wonder why life makes it so difficult for you to "evolve".
from something that you once were
to who you are now or becoming.
i know that with life you must first experience
before you can continue growing.
each moment,
each event is a stepping stool within your path of life.
and i also am aware that you must first step on glass
in order to get on with the journey.
but how come when you get rid of something
or exclude it out of your "ways",
they slowly start reappearing again?
.. not from you personally, but socially.
so,

life + mistakes = life?

anyways, before i go any deeper
with my thoughts or this math equation
it's time for me to lay down now.
it's like 4am.

but on an ending note;
some leaves need to remain where they are.
never to be startled. (not a reference to secrets)

g'night.

another night

2009-03-31T20:49:00.000-07:00

i can't do this.
i just can't.
i'm so tired of this.
i just want everything to end.
i just want everything to stop.
i don't know what to do anymore.
i don't. i really don't.
i just have no fucking clue.

untitled

2009-03-30T02:43:00.001-07:00

maaannn. i'm so tired. i just got done doing a combination of laying down looking through old texts/saved conversations and homework. sighs.

question. why do people not get the whole 'not interested' phrase? lol. surprisingly people keep trying to, for lack of a better word, "equip" themselves with something they're just never going to have. that leaves me dumbfounded. and not in a positive way. smh. if someone says 'not interested' ... then they're NOT interested. i have someone damnit, and i wanna spend the rest of my life with him. and listen to all of his dope music. and pursue my happiness - with him. i love my boothang.

Baby, I'm going to sine your pitty on the runny kine!

i'll come back to this later.
watching pootie tang. i'm going to try getting some sleep now?

night.

late night

2009-03-25T01:27:00.001-07:00

~~i honestly think that being pretty is seriously overrated these days~~.

i don't get it & maybe i never will. or maybe i'm just not meant to.

i'm starting to get confused. but this confusion isn't new to me.

i've been here before. just wearing different shoes.

"disappointment only maims." - the truth about cats & dogs
goodnight.

goodmorning?

2009-03-23T09:10:00.000-07:00

i feel like going back to sleeeeep. lol

so last night, i went to go see the knowing with nicholas cage.
i don't know about you but i'm totally turned off by him.
haha have been since that wicker man movie he was in where he was
beating up women. tsk tsk. bad business.

alright, i'm outta free time.

<3 bye.

blank

2009-03-22T14:44:00.000-07:00

i'm so sick and tired, man.
ugh. i don't feel like talking to anybody right now..
i'm just so annoyed.
i feel like a rock.

i hate complaining. but i wish my mom would leave my room so i could be alone right now.

oh, whatdoyaknow. just like clockwork. i hope she doesn't expect me to go to the store with her.
cus i'm not going.

i don't feel like saying much else. =\

lost mind

2009-03-21T01:39:00.000-07:00

blah, i was just thinking about my day a few minutes ago. since i got interrupted from my sleep from a stupid phone call i should've ignored -_- ... i can't sleep for the moment. so, i'll just talk about my day in hope that'll make me feel better right now since that's all i been thinking about these past few minutes. i had a mental breakdown at school. aha, i mean .. it wasn't funny earlier but it's funny now cus i've never in my lifeee cried at school. which was pretty embarassing. but i just was ... not feeling it. it was during lunch tho so i was with my sister. but even then i was just going crazy sighs. it was just plain terrible. it was just a shitty day ... sucha shitty day. ugh, lemme move on to something else. i'm starting to get a headache.

but you want to know something amazzzing though? =) okay, lemme tell you. like, the moment i began talking to jaybear all of my problems erased. like, everything. and i felt so at ease like everything in life was just going to be okay. and that i didn't have to worry because superbear was there. it was truly a really incredible feeling. he really cheered me up today without even trying though. and i can't thank him enough for that. he means so much to me. i feel like he's ... everything to me. i don't know why but earlier i was thinking about ... mmm nevermind. i don't want to talk about losing jaybear cus i just hope that doesn't ever happen. finding him was one in a million. and i'm so lucky. it all just feels so real to me. i feel this constant connection like i've known him for yearrrrrs. i feel all these emotions all at once. sighs.

ba-da-ba-ba-baaa i'm lovvvvvin' it

sometimes i feel bad about all of it tho. because lately i've just been really busy afterschool so even then i just really don't get much time with him. although, i would like to get as much time with him as ... possible. i just don't see that happening. and i hate that. i hate how he waits for me. well, or i think he waits for me. lol. but still. i've been stressing about that too among other things. i don't want to push him aside cus he means a lot to me. and the time i spend with him means a lot to me too. i just don't know what to do. i talk to him throughout the day but i don't feel like that's enough ... cus even then i'm still busy sometimes. i just feel like it's a start of a new _________ (can't think of the word i want to use right now) and i just don't wanna mess anything up. i'll work on it.

btw, it's hotter than satan's balls in here. so i'm gonna turn this lappy off and try and ... mirar tv. o dormir. (watch tv or sleep?)
i think i'm actually failing spanish at the moment ...
idk. anyways, pce.

grow up

2009-03-15T19:23:00.000-07:00

i feel like i'm being a kid right now. i have a reason for not talking to her tho. she's always brushing me off whenever i'm talking to her about something and i hate that shit. she ALWAYS does it. whenever i reaaaally need someone to talk to (which i try to make as rare as possible), and i'd go to her, the majority of the time she hardly ever listens. yet when i stop telling her stuff she gets all pissyfaced because she feels all left out of the loop. i figure, if you don't want to listen to what i have to say then i think it's in my best interest if i don't speak on my behalf. why bother. but it's like ... the last time i talked to her i really needed someone to confide in. and she just wasn't having it. and the sucky part about all of this is whenever she needed someone i was there for her 100% - EVEN when we first met in math class when i shoulda been paying attention to the lesson plan i was stilllll there for her. even if she needed to talk on the phone ... i was ALWAYS there for her. and i always stayed up until i knew she was okay. maybe i'm just asking too much of her. but i really needed her last time cus she's the only one i know who knows about it. sighs. i'ma go talk to her.

case of the crazies?

2009-03-12T21:28:00.000-07:00

it was weird, like for the past two hours i felt like i was losing my mind. my head was spinning, i had a headache, and my body was aching. i've just been so frustrated lately. i'm not going to talk about it here tho. i just had to ... step away from everything. i was writing in my notebook a few minutes ago.

sighs.

i feel like screaming right now.
just at the top of my lungs.
but my throat hurts.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. aside from the negative,

i noticed that i've always wanted to burn that notebook. it has stuff about my ex in it. when we first met, how shitty he made me feel, when we broke up, the aftermath. but then it's like ... those moments made me who i am today. and if things didn't fall apart between me and him, and with myself, i wouldn't know the people i know today. and i wouldn't be having me a boothang who i talk to all throughout the day, every day. who makes amazing beats, and shares cool music with me. but not only that. but like, i know i can be open with this person cus i know for a fact i have problems with doing that when it comes to people, and trust is definitely an issue for me because i'm so afraid of someone taking advantage of that. fortunately, i don't feel those fears with my boothang. i know he accepts me for me. and not once have i ever asked him to. that's something i just really appreciate about him. his genuineness means a lot to me. there's nothing i love more than spending time with him. he feels so real to me. we really do have a sweet and innocent kinda thing going on. and there's not a day that goes by where i don't appreciate what i have. things this great don't come twice in a lifetime. i feel like i can just talk for days and days and days about how good he makes me feel. sighs this guy's a keeper.

OH, i bought a new wallet. =) i think it's so cute. my mom says it looks unique. haha it has a butterfly on it and stuff. i'm feeling a little more content compared to how i was at first when i was typing this. there was this quote i stumbled upon when i was at school. "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven." I just love it. I love quotes. They allow you to go beyond what you're reading, to where you actually find meaning in something that can look like a bunch of words. When that's truly not their initial purpose. Words are so powerful.

butterflies

2009-03-08T00:09:00.000-08:00

i know i haven't posted anything in a while lol cus i didn't rly have anything happy to write so i wanted to wait until then.

as a kid, i always loved thinking about my future. what i would look like, my career, possible family. all of that. the whole nine yards. the fact that i had that type of mentality at the age of five and beyond makes me laugh. i realized that i act really old. although i'm pretty young. which i'm going to say is a pretty good thing. i remember i imagined myself as being in my "golden years" telling stories in the living room of my house to a circle of kids from the neighborhood. lol, with a bunch of cats walking around everywhere. and this is where i noticed that i always pictured myself alone. up until some time ago i began picturing my future with other people. but hardly any of it ever came out right. but now, i see myself growing with someone. and i picture a future. and everything - all of it - looks so perfect.

sighhhhs, <3

have you ever met someone that makes you happy every week, every day, every hour, and every second? someone who just lifted your spirits because they felt that that was what they were obligated to do? someone who says things to put a smile on your face, and makes you feel like you're on top of the world? someone who never fails to be the person you can always rely on? someone who cares about the things you say, and remembers the little stuff? someone who makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside? someone who can wipe the tears away without even being right there in front of your face? someone who can take all the pain away with a few simple words? someone who can always make you laugh at any given point in time? someone who stays up with you when it's 3am and fights to stay awake? someone who is willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love? someone you look forward to talking to each and every day? someone who is your sunshine, who makes you happy when skies are gray?
someone who automatically makes you forget about your problems? someone who's hard to find, but lucky to have? someone who's simply amazing at everything they do? someone who makes you glad to be alive? someone who's just ... too good for words.

well my eyes are getting watery & my tummy is starting to hurt again.
so i guess this is my calling.

pce.

the tender of what you know

2009-03-02T03:38:00.000-08:00

a bagel is the best thing to have at 342am. =)
it's so peaceful at this time of day.
i wish i could sit outside right now.
but uhm. pediafiles could be out-a-roamin'.
so i think i'll take a rain check on that one.
i have to get up for school in 3 hours.
and i haven't slept ... it's not like i'm sleepy tho.
you ever felt like you were in a
dream before? that you were impossible to break.
impossible to harm.

eh idk what i'm talking about. i been super unsocial today.
so i'm trying to makeup for it. i'm listening to staind's song - believe.
for some reason i am so attachedto it. i feel like i can relate to it.
ugh but it makes me extremely sad at the same time.
i like listening to music that fits into my mood range.
you really can find out a lot about me by what i'm listening to.
i'm gonna listen to aimee mann now.
it's on my zune.

so i'ma lay down &
go cuddle mr. pillow willow.

sighs -- peace.

happy sunday

2009-03-01T18:56:00.000-08:00

man today was sucha bad day. =\
it just started off terribly and carried on that way.
i don't really feel like talking.

i kinda just wanna be left alone right now.

weeekendd

2009-02-28T03:56:00.000-08:00

rawr, i can't sleep since i already slept during the afternoon.
but note to self: i am so in love with justin timberlake's song take it from here.
i've been playing it over n over n over. lol
=) it makes me smile & makes me think of someone who'll be watching a movie
with me later on tonight.

friday was an odd day for me. i got into an argument with my dad.

life part 2

2009-02-27T03:54:00.001-08:00

ugh. ):
i feel like shit.

& i can't sleep right now.
i just finished my 6page research project. haha

i hate my friends. =\

and .. i'm glad i stopped crying last night.
asdfghjkl.

reliant k - must have done something right (ignore)

oh, i made a poem:

people say what they want to say
but do they ever mean it?
people think what they want to think
but are they ever consistent?
people can lie
despite all the cries
innocent by-standers still get caught up in their demise
but then i stop, wait, think, learn, and listen;
nothing --
just silence.
the hole inside reality's door.
because nothing people say matters.

life

2009-02-24T21:52:00.000-08:00

ugh. i'm still feeling numb. i thought it'd be gone by now but it's not. sighs.

oh man, it was crazy on monday in my fourth period class (English - a.k.a. the rant i had about my teacher) anyways. she tried to call me out and tell me i had an attitude. like wtf. i mean, she didn't necessarily say it but she was implying it.
okay ... lemme throw out the scenario. it was the beginning of class. normally we have vocabulary to do on mondays (writing down 20 words & definitions). the teacher was ranting about the school rules -- how we're not supposed to have cell phones out & electronics. and she went on talking for about let's say .. 10-15 minutes. okay, now here's my argument.

1). Everyone in that class is a senior. Chances are we've ALL been here since the 9th grade.
2). We're all well aware of the school rules because most schools in this district abide by similiar ones.
3). We get a copy of the school rules the first day of school & go over them our first week.
4). Rules are meant to be broken. No matter how hard you try not everyone is going to follow them.
5). You ranting about it - when everyone in that class is clearly aware of the rule - was a waste.
6). You've only been an official teacher since when -- last year?

alright, alright, alright. i know that if i mentioned any of my 5 arguments i woulda seriously came off as a sour apple. so instead i said "uhh .. yeah. so can we get on with vocabulary?" lol so then she gets all pissed off and starts foaming at the mouth then looks at me and goes "we can do this without the attitude". i seriously didn't have an attitude. lol. i said that in the most calmest voice ever. and i was even chill about it. so whatever. teachers just don't understand me. her of all people shouldn't even be talking about anything.

ugh school & senior project is kicking my ass. i'm behind on school work.
i'm super worried about one of my friends. i wish there was more i could do for her.
i'm starting to worry about my future a little bit - which is something new to me.
i'm worrying/thinking/stressing about other stuff.
i feel like i'm barely home now.
i realized the past 4 lines i've been complaining.
there's one person keeping me sane;
through all of this mess.
the one guy i can count on.

and i'll get to talk to him tomorrowww after his interview thingy.

=)

chocolate

2009-02-23T01:28:00.000-08:00

i'm feeling kinda numb.
like, instead of shooting up and down - like on a flatline.
i'm just at the constant level.
ugh
i felt that way since yesterday last night.
i know i just need to access myself.
but i'm just so overwhelmed.
but one thing that i am damn sure of is that ... =)
someone's been making me super happy lately.
ahem not gonna mention their name.
but i will say that we had a fun time
watching friday the 13th.

i'm so exhausted. not only because i had a really long day.
but i didn't really get much sleep.

i was up thinking.

anywho, right now i'm eating chocolate covered popcorn w/ almonds.
and mannnn it's so delicious.

love's kiss

2009-02-17T23:35:00.000-08:00

"Why do people fall in love though they know that they could feel world’s worst pain…
when they break up ... why do people still want to fall in love ...
even a person who hasn’t fallen in love yet, wants to fall in love ...
So what is the feeling that takes you to fall in love again?"

----

this question i found makes me want to answer it. love itself is probably one of the greatest feelings anyone could ever feel. it's not like saying "oh man, i love this pie" it's greater than that. it's a "whole nutha level" (haha, madtv much?). being in love makes you feel like you're flying. you're so high up you just don't want to come down. it's a feeling that just makes you happy to be alive; what gets you out of bed every morning. it's something that can get you to change your ways to benefit someone else -- because you care about them. love is seeing something positively & negatively at the same time but still appreciating it just the same. it's knowing when to give and recieve. it's fairness & equality for the mind, body, soul AND heart. it's beautiful. love is about risks and sacrifices. trusting the other person with your heart knowing that there's a slight possibility they could throw it down to the ground and step all over it and just walk away. being strong and sticking around when things are rough. love is about buckling up for that ride through the rollercoaster. it's about finding your equal. your soul mate. the person you could see yourself growing old with. forever. cus tomorrow's not promised anymore. and you just want someone by your side to share all of that with. life's happiness & hardships. you've only got one shot at living -- your future comes at you day by day;; so why not share your time on earth with someone special?

"You ever wonder what it all really mean
You wonder if you'll ever find your dreams"
- Kanye West

when you feel like you've lost your chance at love tho. you're slowly losing yourself. there's always the next best thing standing in line so don't let yourself go. all you have to do is wait for it. don't give up. don't tell yourself that there's no one else that can do it better -- because there is. people don't go around poppin' collars and calling themselves G's for nothing. (hahaha :))

hijabs

2009-02-16T23:20:00.000-08:00

i was googling images of hijabs and realized that they can be truly beauiful at times -- or atleast the people underneath them. example#1: click
but have you ever happened to notice how strict the culture is behind it? blog
i was reading through this blog i came upon and
realized that it's absolutely crazy.
i would dread living in a place where i had to cover
up my appearance with scarves.

i'm not trying to say i'd love to walk outside naked. because i wouldn't. it's just. people should be able to display themselves. why cover up a woman with head and body scarves? i suppose one positive side to that is that guys aren't staring at your body since you're all covered up. but i feel that robs women of their natural beauty.
clothes & trends that have been created in modern society today are totally aimed to show off the curves and attributes of a woman's body. because women's bodies are beautiful marvelous things. i know, because i have one. In my opinion i think the Muslim cultures robs them of that.

learning lesson

2009-02-16T19:19:00.000-08:00

i'm listening to one of my favorite songs right now. click to hear

but anyways, i've been thinking. i really don't appreciate teachers who can't, won't, and refuse to do their job. they don't have to be all in that order, or even all of them. it's just if teaching's not really your niche then don't pursue it. or if you're just not ready for it, stop, and wait -- come back when you're ready. lol i'm bringing this up because i confronted my teacher about something similar to this in the middle of class some days ago. my intentions weren't to get in her face or anything which is why i kept trying to get her off the mission of trying to figure out my opinion. long story short i ended up telling her. i told her that her lesson plans seem random. i come in to class and today's task is to write an essay (that was actually a scholarship essay prompt ... which taught us .. nothing). next day i come into class we're working on a random story in our interactive reader that isn't relevant to anything. another day we're writing haikus. i understand she's a teacher and i'm not trying to tell her how to do her job. it's just a lot of the things we're attempting to accomplish in that class i don't think are based on English curriculum. i understand you have a passion for American literature -- cool -- that's great. but where is that getting me? i can tell you don't know what you're doing in that class. it's extremely obvious. and just a word of advice; learn the pronunciation of the vocabulary words ahead of time. don't try and teach me something you don't even know how to say. and PLEASE don't give me an oral vocabulary test (in which i have to spell the words) when you can't even say them. and please don't give us the excuse that we shoulda learned them. no YOU should have. lol. i respect you as a person just not as a teacher. your methods are shaky. i know you're discouraged (that's probably not the best thing to tell a student) and change your lesson plans based on the complaints of the BIT seniors. you're our teacher. you're not supposed to bend for us, we're supposed to bend for you. stand on your own two feet and take action. we come to YOUR class to learn. so teach us something. students are supposed to work for their diploma. not have it handed to them. yes, i told her that lol. my friend applauded me lmao -- he says i'm the new Oprah.

hershey's chocolate

2009-02-14T23:04:00.000-08:00

what good are friends, really? my friend just got me in a bad mood. blahhhh and i was having such a good day too. she wanted to talk about something i just didn't want to think about. she knew i didn't want to talk about it. cus i haven't told her anything about it. yet she goes and brings it up. i knew she'd make me feel like shit about it. and she has - and i do.

sighs.

i think i'm supposed to live a lonely life - not a depressed lonely but a detached lonely - maybe that's why i truly hate getting close to people only to push them away.

i lost my best friend back in middle school. (not by death)
i lost my closest friend months ago. (not by death)
i don't have much of a social life anymore.
the only time i'm out of the house is when i'm volunteering my time or school.
(other than that i'm in my room)
i'm single.
(probably by choice. since i; put up so many walls, screwed up my chances, and acted a certain way on purpose - because i'm scared ... i'm absolutely terrified .. although there isssss a person in my life right now who's slowly taking away my fear. i'm not going to say his name cus he's the only person i share my blog with lol. they'll know by reading this. so i can prevent from embarrassing myself any further ...)

asdfghjkl.

i'm losing myself tonight.

survey;

Are you okay with the life you live?
its alright, but it could always be better.

What song's playing?
brandy - right here (departed)

Who's the last person you had talk about your life to?
jaybear.

Last person you told a secret to?
i don't tell my secrets.

What's up for tommorow?
absolutely nothinggg.

Do you wear makeup?
nope.

Would you run around a neighborhood at night without a shirt for 500 dollars?
no thanks. it's cold as cheese out there.

How many true friends you got?
two. possibly three.

Sing the song your listening to?
"i'll be righttt here with youuuu, you'll be right hereee with meee"

Are you sick?
just a cough.

Do you like who you are?
yeah. at times, no. but i deal.

Have you ever showered with someone?
yeahh. i was clothed and my intentions were to get warm.

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
unfortunately.

How are you feeling right now?
shitty.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
mmhmm.

Are you listening to music right now?
of course.

Did you kiss anyone today?
no.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone & what did you talk about?
ex. what i like on hotwings? yeah .. it was pretty weird.

Do you curse in front of your parents?
nooo. unless i'm extremely pissed.

Is there something someone should know about?
idk, probably.

Last time you saw fireworks,with who & where?
fourth of july last year. with my fambam + ken.

Who pissed you off yesterday?
... idr.

Have you ever fell asleep in someones arms?
no. =/

Do you know anyone who is pregnant?
yeah.

Does anyone hate you?
probably, who cares.

Do you have anything that belongs to your boyfriend/ girlfriend ?
dont have a boyfriend.

Do you have nice eyes?
well, i like them. :)

Were you happy when you woke up?
i was alright.

Do you think that you have made a difference in someones life?
i hope.

Who was the last person that called you?
ex.

When was the last time you were sick?
last week.

How many swim suits do you own?
two?

Do you own anything from American Eagle?
yeah.

Do you listen to rap/hip-hop?
mmhmm.

Do you like hugs and kisses?
i loveee hugs & kisses.

Who was the last person to make you smile?
jaybear.

Have you ever gone on a date?
nope.

Have you ever held hands?
nopee.

Have you ever skinny dipped?
no one wants to see that. lolol

Have you ever drank alcohol?
nope.

Have you ever gotten drunk?
absolutely not.

Have you ever cheated on a test in school?
haha, oh c'mon who hasn't?

Have you ever cut a class at school?
mmhmm.

Have you ever gotten in a fist fight?
kinda.

Have you ever smoked cigarettes?
nopeee.

Have you ever smoked pot?
no, i have not.

Have you ever been suspended?
no.

Have you ever stolen someones boyfriend or girlfriend?
no.

Have you ever cheated on a partner?
i would never.

Have you trespassed?
probably.

Have you ever made someone bleed?
i hope not.

Ever walk in on your parents or sibling having sex?
loll, no.

Have you ever yelled at your principal in school?
nope.

Have you ever told someone, outside your family, you loved them seriously?
yeah, but apparently i was stupid.

Have you ever toilet papered someone's house?
noooo.

What is your best friends name?
i don't have any.

What color underwear/boxers wearing now?
yellow.

Whats your favorite number?
four.

What was the last thing you ate?
some chocolate i found.

If you were a crayon what color would you be?
blue.

How is the weather right now?
gloomy. cold. rainy?

The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
sense of humor. i gotta be able to laugh.

Do you have a significant other?
nooo.

Favorite TV show?
reno911, law&order, jon & kate + 8

Siblings?
two sisters, one brother.

Height?
5'5 last time i checked.

Hair color?
dk brown.

Eye Color?
dk brown.

What was the last movie you watched?
taken.

Are you too shy to ask someone out?
lol yeah.

Can you do a headstand (not using the wall)?
no, i'll crush my brains ...

Hugs or kisses?
hugs please. =)

Chocolate or Vanilla?
depends on what it is.

What books are you reading?
my friend leonard, broken china

Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?
buttered & salted.

Dogs or cats?
cats.

Favorite flower?
tulips & sunflowers.

Are you still friends with people from kindergarten?
noooo.

Have you ever fired a gun?
nopeeee.

Do you like to travel by plane?
hell no.

Right-handed or Left-handed?
right. =)

How many pillows do you sleep with?
three + one long one i never cuddle with.

Are you missing someone?
sure.

Anybody on myspace that you'd go on a date with?
maybe.

shitload of pudding?

2009-02-13T22:03:00.000-08:00

this year's valentine holiday reminds me of last year's. it kinda sucks, but i'm glad i'm past all of that. haha, it's pretty funny now when i look back on it though. it taught me a lot. from that, i have a different mind set.

i am independent. i want; but don't need.

but yo! something has been aching my mind for the longest. please oh please tell me why my recent epiphany made me realize that my subconscious is ALWAYS right. it's crazy how mind blowing that is. i plan to the last detail on or for any given situation and 9/10 that's exactly how it happens. but why do i go and defy the system even after the fact i ... blahdiddyblahblah, right? of course it doesn't matter now, and yes i'm learning from it as i speak - it just keeps reappearing like the monkey that'll never leave my back. that monkey who's in dire need of a ladder.

i hate life, but i love it all the same. what can i say? it's a drug mayne.

Sin embargo, yo soy muy contento con mi vida. Esta vida loca.

note to self: I-I I'm Kanney, I-I-I rock, I-I I'm Kanney, I-I-I rock

slow as cheese

2009-02-10T22:38:00.000-08:00

soooo. i'm feeling kinda refreshed atm. believe it or not i didn't sleep at all last night. so just a few minutes ago i dozed off in this chair. ain't that a trip? i got comfortable tho and plus i was talking to jaybear and listening to kanye's album (not his new one. the one before). anyways, i got my hair done today. it's nothing spesh. but i think that can explain my mood. i was going to say more. but maybe i'll come back and do that after i get a spin of GTA for the night.

peace for the moment.

recovery plan

2009-02-04T00:47:00.000-08:00

it's weird. months of torment. and everything else. suddenly don't really matter anymore at this point. i'm confused and i probably shouldn't really be writing anything at this current moment. but i will, cus apparently i won't be getting any sleep anytime soon i mean c'mon now .. it's already 1249am. i wonder what getting sucked up in a black hole feels like. i hear it's like being ripped apart. that's insane for such a "being" to have so much power. it's crazy. outer space scares me sometimes. many people have said that we're the only living creatures out there. oh? really? i mean, c'mon let's do the math here. there's 9 planets in our solar system. there's about 400 planets known to orbit other stars ... but that's just an educated guess. there's millions of planets out there. i hear scientists are trying to find another planet for us to create life on supposedly they've chosen mars the only problem with that is that we just have to put some trees on it so we can create some oxygen.
okay, see how crazy i can become? i'm over here ranting about outer space and a possible answer to all of our future dreams at 101am when that wasn't even my true intentions of writing in the first place. all in all, i'm feeling a little lost right now. i know exactly where this is going which is why i tried avoiding it for so long. tried to act numb. nonchalant. but i knew it was still there. the issue was still of existence. maybe not the type we could all see. but it was there. in the the air. you could just feel it. feel it's tension. which is why i just can't come to understand it. this is infuriating. but it's only infuriating because i'm back where i started.

blah

2009-02-02T16:51:00.000-08:00

i don't feeeeeeeeeeeeel good. lol i ended up falling asleep in school during 5th period. i'm a TA for that class (teacher's assistant) and since it's like a counseling center type of thing on campus there's rooms with niceeeee cozy couches and i was lucky enough to rest my tired sick bones on one during the period - but what i did not expect was to fall asleep and wake up when school was over. i didn't even get a chance to go to my 6th period. but it's cool. i can make up that class ... sometime this week. i should really go lay downn right now. but on another subject,

i've been working on a poem too on my way to school this morning. but maybe i'll finish it while i'm on my deathbed chillaxing.

peace.

goodbye for good

2009-02-01T00:48:00.000-08:00

your ass pisses me off. it's hilarious all this drama i've been having because of you. how terrible my life has been ON TOP of all the shit i'm going through right now. this shit with you has been going on for MONTHS now. and i kept KEPT kept KEEEPT telling you that things weren't going the way they were thought out to go. and you still tried at something that just clearly wasn't going to work. and that really makes you think cus what the fuck does a ... you know what. i really don't even care right now. i am so done with this shit. you haven't done anything but just make things worse. if you were really trying to "improve" all the things we kept fighting about then why did you constantly try to go back and tie up the loose ends? like you can't move forward without moving backward. there was NEVER any progress. and that was the true problem. and what made it EVEN WORSE was when you tried to portray someone that I knew, that is in fact a very close person to me as someone who wasn't about the right thing. and tried to tie me up into that. fuck you. you always thought you had me so figured out. and you wonder why i can't even take you seriously? you came back into my life to waste my time and tell me that you hate me, i'm a kid, i'm ignorant, i don't deserve happiness, i'm heartless, i'm cold ... man fuck outta here with all of that. i know who i am. i know what i deserve. NOBODY DEFINES ME BUT ME. and to have you come up to me and tell me that about him just really set it off. you tried to come off as real and get in the way of what i felt towards someone else. i'm not even including any of the other friendships i lost with ppl because of YOU. OH and on a sidenote. you tell me that i'm all about excuses yet you do the same thing .. you seriously got some fucking issues. no wonder you've been through what you've been through. what your true actual problem was with any of that is that you used that as an excuse for your ACTIONS. and you indeed were no different .. no different. which is a shame. how dare you YOU OF ALL PEOPLE tell ME to grow up? lmao. you definitely need to start acting YOUR age and stop using MINE as an excuse for the things that happened. it doesn't really matter what you think. i really don't even care. you are of no importance to me. whatsoever.

KICK ROCKS.
and stay the fuck out of my life.

monster

2009-01-27T20:25:00.001-08:00

there's a monster in my life.
and he haunts me every day.
i portray it as a man because
man is the enemy.

he's not a boyfriend, friend,
brother, or significant other
he's a monster.

not My monster.
but A monster.
you know,
the kind that go bump in the night.
the kind that makes your adrenalin ignite.
if only fear was just a word.
and not a being of state.
i mean a feeling of mind.
a control over fate.
my fate?

nah, monsters can only do so much
so when i close my eyes he fades away
but when i open them again
where does he stay?
if only fear was just a word.
and not a being of state.
i mean a feeling of mind.
a control over fate.
MY fate.